Taking a break from men for a while

I really think I am. My loneliness made me do something that I will forever be ashamed of. I was hanging out with my friend the other day that I have always had a thing for, and he has always had a thing for me. The thing is right now he has a boyfriend and when he was single I had a boyfriend. It was like this constant cycle of never being able to make it work out. Well we ended up jerking off together... Afterwards, I was so guilty I had to pull over when I drove home so I could open the door and puke. I have never felt so bad about myself in my entire life. That isn't the person I am... In fact, I despise those kinds of people. I was just feeling so alone and finally there was a cute guy paying attention to me, so I let those feelings get in the way of my character. I didn't even know I was capable of doing something like this. I wish somebody would just slap me in the face and make me realize a relationship isn't everything. But right now, I feel like I don't deserve to be with anybody if i'm going to act like that. Maybe this will be a good thing... I just hope I don't go crazy feeling like I want a relationship and yet at the same time feeling like I don't deserve one at the moment. It just seems like things keep going in a downward spiral and I wish something would let up. I wish just one good thing would happen to me right now. I could sure use it.