So it's about 2am as I write this... I'm listening to my ipod, songs that I don't know if I can admit listening to... and even though I have a job interview in the morning, the only thing I can think of is how I wish I had somebody to talk to right now. I'm pretty much using this blog as a way of getting every little thought out of my head because lately there have been way too many bad things happening to me... I think it's been around 2 or 3 years that things started going downhill... I came out and everybody in my life supported me and was happy for me. I think that's the peak of my happiness.
The thing that fucked everything up happened when I met a guy only for the second time. The first one was basically a fuck buddy for a month, although I didn't realize it because I was new to dating. He told me one night in a text message and that he was getting tired of me. Luckily I was at a bar when I got the text message so after quite a few drinks I didn't care any more. But then came along... what's his name... he had an M tattooed on his leg so I'm guessing it started with an M. You probably think I'm somewhat shallow or something for not being able to remember his name, but the truth is for some reason my brain has blocked out most of what happened to me so I only remember bits and pieces. I remember we talked for a few weeks, he seemed nice although I should have noticed something was up when he said he could have his friend come over and suck us both off... but he was the hottest guy I had ever been with so I just told him why would I want to drive all that way for some other guy to pay attention to me... so he apologized and convinced me he wasn't that kind of guy. So the day came when I drove to his place... I remember it was some place by St. Cloud... hmmmm maybe the name of the town started with an M and not his name... or maybe they both started with an M. I supposed if I really tried to remember, I could but I kind of like that there is that mental block.
Anyways, I found his apartment and knocked on the door. What opened the door was the hottest guy that I had ever talked to. To this day I have no idea why he chose me... and I seriously regret that he did. He invited me in and we watched TV for a while. He made drinks and after we talked for a while. Things seemed to be going great but then he invited me into the bedroom for what I thought was only going to be making out. I was a stupid virgin, what could I say. Well before I knew it, our clothes were off and he was putting on a condom. I was really unsure about it, but I have a problem of making people happy so I thought I'd try it. Well he stuck it in me rather fast, even though I told him it was my first time, and I screamed in pain. I'm surprised that I don't have scars from my fingernails digging into my palms as I held my fists tight. He barely started and I said it was too much so I crawled away from him and that's when he grabbed me and kept going... I kept screaming and trying to get away but he was 6'4 and muscular and it hurt so much, I couldn't really do anything. To this day, I can't say the word for what he was doing to me, you know, that word that starts with an R... I can't admit that something as bad as that happened to me when my entire life I've never really did anything that was deserving of this. He finally got off and ran into the bathroom, while I painfully put my clothes back on. He then came back into the room, grabbed me, pushed me to the door and literally threw me out. As I sit on the floor of the hallway staring at his door, I really don't remember ever feeling more confused. For some stupid reason, I knocked on his door trying to get back in. After about 45 minutes of sitting at his door, I got up and walked to my car. I still felt really drunk so I decided to sleep in my car until the alcohol wore off. I called my friends and they said they were too tired to come and get me or even talk to me about what happened. I had never felt more alone in my entire life as I sit in my car, staring through the windshield at the stars above, still wondering what the fuck just happened...
After a while, a group of people pulled up not that far away from me and went into his building. A few minutes later, there he was again so I started my car and drove off, completely drunk and not recognizing anything. I typed directions into my gigantic smart phone and found my way for a while. As I drove I grabbed a container of tic-tacs and put them all into my mouth. The gravity of what had just happened to me hit me and I never felt more dirty in my entire life. It was the only thing that would make me feel at least a little more clean. For the rest of the trip home, I cried.
Well after a few hours of driving, I realized that the street I thought I was on really wasn't the right street. I started to get nervous which only made me drive faster, trying to find some kind of intersection so I could type it into my phone and get directions back to the right road. While on a back road I saw a car coming towards me and slowing down... as I passed it in the pitch black of night, I realized it was a cop. Since I was doing 70 in a 55, she pulled me over faster than I could blink. It was at this time that an actual miracle happened. She didn't make me get out of the car, she didn't smell anything on my breath or see my half open eyes... all she did was write me a ticket and tell me how to get home. So I followed the directions and after a couple of hours, i finally found the door to my apartment. What should have been a 4.5 hour trip took almost 6 hours. I ran into the bathroom, stripped off my clothes and got into the shower. I scrubbed my body for an entire 2 hours to get the feeling of what just happened to me go away. I don't really remember what happened to my clothes, I think I threw them away. For the rest of the school year, I didn't go to class. I started spending money like it was nothing... all of this in a vain attempt to pretend that nothing happened to me and to pretend that I was just fine. After the semester, I was suspended from school... and while I got back in, I can never concentrate enough. My education was basically ruined because of the unfair event that happened to me. To this day, I still don't know why it had to happen to me... I quit trying to figure it out.
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