I don't mean to be a drama queen...

I really don't... But when you have so many bad things happening to you, it's hard to see the good past all of the bad. And since i'm tired of whining to my friends, I put the bad things here... maybe one day, i'll have good things to put on here. It's just frustrating when I feel alone at the moment. It also doesn't help that i'm like Teri Hatcher on Desperate Housewives... For some reason, if I don't have someone special in my life, all I can feel is this sinking feeling in my chest. It's like a hole and I keep on going on dates trying to fill it. I've tried the whole being single thing for a while and it just doesn't work. The whole time, all I can think of is how I wish I had somebody to give my love to. I have so much of it and it seems every day it just goes wasted when somebody really deserves to have it.

I think it's one of the things I feel like I can control. Right now, I can't find a job, my mom has hepatitis C and could die any time, my dad is an alcoholic who would rather drink than take care of my mom and never gives me the time of day... and I can never talk to him of course because he probably won't remember what I said the next day. It feels as if my life is out of control and a relationship is something that I can actually have control of. All I have to do is go an a few dates and hopefully something will bloom from that. Way easier than finding a job in this economy when you have little experience, or trying to find a cure for an incurable disease or trying to get an alcoholic to stop drinking. When it comes to a relationship, I can actually make something happen... and maybe if the guy is amazing enough, I can give all of my attention to him instead of worrying about all of these things. Maybe I could finally move my life forward and i'd actually have a purpose in life... to make the guy of my dreams happy and try to make both of our lives the most amazing lives that anybody could live.

I thought I found this at one point of my life. I met him and we both fell head over heels... maybe a little too quickly. He was someone that made me feel good... at least at first. We were so similar, like 2 peas in a pod. I helped him find himself too. Before I came along he was staying with an alcoholic who almost burned the house down one night while I was staying overnight. I helped him reconnect with the way he used to be... helped him become a better person.

But now when I think of him, all I can think about are the bad things... how when I said I love you, he had sex with another guy... just to make sure he did love me. I forgave him for that one... But then I gave him a ring... and he did it to me again. I don't think I ever forgave him for that. I tried but the bitterness was always in the back of my mind. I don't get how he could love me and want to be with me forever if he can't even be able to have sex with me and only me. It's not like the sex was bad... I could always last a long time and i'm not exactly small down there... not like fucking huge but certainly not small... Anyways, we were together for almost a year and a half. That was a few months ago and i'm finally at the point where I honestly don't want to get back together with him. It was sooo hard in the end trying to make things work and in the end it was too hard. It really shouldn't be that hard.

So i've been trying to go on dates again. Haha, let's see, so far it could be described as a disaster. I mean seriously, loser after loser after loser. There is one guy that I really like, but he is waaaayyyyy out of my league. But he makes me laugh and I have a great time hanging out with him so i'm happy just to be friends.

I've decided that i'm done asking guys out, I guess. I've asked a guy out almost every time and every time, it's been a disaster. I think it's time somebody chases me instead of me doing all of the chasing. So here I wait... It sucks and kind of makes the sinking feeling in my chest intensify because it's just one more thing that i'm losing control of. But the thought that one day I can give my love to someone special who will give me the same amount of love in return keeps me optomistic about finding someone someday. In the meantime, at least I get to make a lot of friends which is nice since most of my friends are still 2 hours away from when I used to go to college.

So like I said, I don't mean to be a drama queen but this is only half of what's going on in my life. And it feels good to finally get it out. I don't know if anybody will ever read this, but the fact that I can empty my head when it all piles up is such a relief, you have no idea.

Hopefully soon, all of the things that pile up in my head will be good things. I guess this blog is the story of my life. I'll try to fill in any gaps in between posts but for the most part, it'll probably be random stories about everything that has happened and everything that will happen in my life.