My promise...

So I just spent a little while reading other gay guy's blogs and I have this promise to make. At no point will there be random pics of half naked men... Seriously, they just make any integrity a blog has go out the window... and this blog's integrity is already hanging on by a thread haha. So unless there is some deeper meaning to the pic, you'll have to go to a different website (and trust me there are plenty) for those kind of pics.

Pushing the reset button

Well I have officially pushed the reset button on my life. After failing to get a job at Target (I mean really? The 16 year old working in electronics has more skill than I do? Really?) and then my ex who is supposedly just my friend now and should therefore be happy for me when I go on a date, get's mad at me because now he can't talk to the guy i'm going on a date with... even though the guy still said he would be friends with him. Actually it's a good thing I did do this because the guy just texted I <3 you... even though I had to cancel the date because I had to bring my mom in for surgery. What does that mean anyways? I <3 you? Did he just say I love you? Whatever it is, it sure means more than I like you, which is just weird since we never even met. And then there's this friend that I have this huge thing for but can never be with. All of this made me realize something... the drama is getting fierce up in here!!!

So I'm pushing it all away. Sure, this will create more drama at first and I might hurt a few people, but I have to stop talking to my ex because clearly it just isn't working. It just seems like he can't keep his emotions in check. I kind of understand since I have the same problem with my friend that I have a thing for. But that is why I just deleted him off of facebook. The sad part is he won't even notice, but that's not the point. The point is to get rid of all of this unnecessary stress in my life.

This morning I also enrolled in nursing school. It's nice because I can still get into it, even though my screwed up life fucked with trying to go to MNSU, leaving a wake of F's and incompletes. It's a community college that actually offers a bachelors in nursing. And it's an accelerated program so i'll be done early. In fact, if I tried to go back to MNSU, by the time I tried getting my GPA back up, i'd probably be done with this nursing program.

So basically, this is me trying to get my life back on track. Getting rid of the bad people... well I wouldn't call them bad, just full of drama, and going back to school.

I have a feeling the tone of this blog can finally turn around, which is why i'm starting to write in it again. Things are starting to feel good again.

Taking a break from men for a while

I really think I am. My loneliness made me do something that I will forever be ashamed of. I was hanging out with my friend the other day that I have always had a thing for, and he has always had a thing for me. The thing is right now he has a boyfriend and when he was single I had a boyfriend. It was like this constant cycle of never being able to make it work out. Well we ended up jerking off together... Afterwards, I was so guilty I had to pull over when I drove home so I could open the door and puke. I have never felt so bad about myself in my entire life. That isn't the person I am... In fact, I despise those kinds of people. I was just feeling so alone and finally there was a cute guy paying attention to me, so I let those feelings get in the way of my character. I didn't even know I was capable of doing something like this. I wish somebody would just slap me in the face and make me realize a relationship isn't everything. But right now, I feel like I don't deserve to be with anybody if i'm going to act like that. Maybe this will be a good thing... I just hope I don't go crazy feeling like I want a relationship and yet at the same time feeling like I don't deserve one at the moment. It just seems like things keep going in a downward spiral and I wish something would let up. I wish just one good thing would happen to me right now. I could sure use it.

I don't mean to be a drama queen...

I really don't... But when you have so many bad things happening to you, it's hard to see the good past all of the bad. And since i'm tired of whining to my friends, I put the bad things here... maybe one day, i'll have good things to put on here. It's just frustrating when I feel alone at the moment. It also doesn't help that i'm like Teri Hatcher on Desperate Housewives... For some reason, if I don't have someone special in my life, all I can feel is this sinking feeling in my chest. It's like a hole and I keep on going on dates trying to fill it. I've tried the whole being single thing for a while and it just doesn't work. The whole time, all I can think of is how I wish I had somebody to give my love to. I have so much of it and it seems every day it just goes wasted when somebody really deserves to have it.

I think it's one of the things I feel like I can control. Right now, I can't find a job, my mom has hepatitis C and could die any time, my dad is an alcoholic who would rather drink than take care of my mom and never gives me the time of day... and I can never talk to him of course because he probably won't remember what I said the next day. It feels as if my life is out of control and a relationship is something that I can actually have control of. All I have to do is go an a few dates and hopefully something will bloom from that. Way easier than finding a job in this economy when you have little experience, or trying to find a cure for an incurable disease or trying to get an alcoholic to stop drinking. When it comes to a relationship, I can actually make something happen... and maybe if the guy is amazing enough, I can give all of my attention to him instead of worrying about all of these things. Maybe I could finally move my life forward and i'd actually have a purpose in life... to make the guy of my dreams happy and try to make both of our lives the most amazing lives that anybody could live.

I thought I found this at one point of my life. I met him and we both fell head over heels... maybe a little too quickly. He was someone that made me feel good... at least at first. We were so similar, like 2 peas in a pod. I helped him find himself too. Before I came along he was staying with an alcoholic who almost burned the house down one night while I was staying overnight. I helped him reconnect with the way he used to be... helped him become a better person.

But now when I think of him, all I can think about are the bad things... how when I said I love you, he had sex with another guy... just to make sure he did love me. I forgave him for that one... But then I gave him a ring... and he did it to me again. I don't think I ever forgave him for that. I tried but the bitterness was always in the back of my mind. I don't get how he could love me and want to be with me forever if he can't even be able to have sex with me and only me. It's not like the sex was bad... I could always last a long time and i'm not exactly small down there... not like fucking huge but certainly not small... Anyways, we were together for almost a year and a half. That was a few months ago and i'm finally at the point where I honestly don't want to get back together with him. It was sooo hard in the end trying to make things work and in the end it was too hard. It really shouldn't be that hard.

So i've been trying to go on dates again. Haha, let's see, so far it could be described as a disaster. I mean seriously, loser after loser after loser. There is one guy that I really like, but he is waaaayyyyy out of my league. But he makes me laugh and I have a great time hanging out with him so i'm happy just to be friends.

I've decided that i'm done asking guys out, I guess. I've asked a guy out almost every time and every time, it's been a disaster. I think it's time somebody chases me instead of me doing all of the chasing. So here I wait... It sucks and kind of makes the sinking feeling in my chest intensify because it's just one more thing that i'm losing control of. But the thought that one day I can give my love to someone special who will give me the same amount of love in return keeps me optomistic about finding someone someday. In the meantime, at least I get to make a lot of friends which is nice since most of my friends are still 2 hours away from when I used to go to college.

So like I said, I don't mean to be a drama queen but this is only half of what's going on in my life. And it feels good to finally get it out. I don't know if anybody will ever read this, but the fact that I can empty my head when it all piles up is such a relief, you have no idea.

Hopefully soon, all of the things that pile up in my head will be good things. I guess this blog is the story of my life. I'll try to fill in any gaps in between posts but for the most part, it'll probably be random stories about everything that has happened and everything that will happen in my life.

it's now around 2am... why can't anybody be awake?

So it's about 2am as I write this... I'm listening to my ipod, songs that I don't know if I can admit listening to... and even though I have a job interview in the morning, the only thing I can think of is how I wish I had somebody to talk to right now. I'm pretty much using this blog as a way of getting every little thought out of my head because lately there have been way too many bad things happening to me... I think it's been around 2 or 3 years that things started going downhill... I came out and everybody in my life supported me and was happy for me. I think that's the peak of my happiness.

The thing that fucked everything up happened when I met a guy only for the second time. The first one was basically a fuck buddy for a month, although I didn't realize it because I was new to dating. He told me one night in a text message and that he was getting tired of me. Luckily I was at a bar when I got the text message so after quite a few drinks I didn't care any more. But then came along... what's his name... he had an M tattooed on his leg so I'm guessing it started with an M. You probably think I'm somewhat shallow or something for not being able to remember his name, but the truth is for some reason my brain has blocked out most of what happened to me so I only remember bits and pieces. I remember we talked for a few weeks, he seemed nice although I should have noticed something was up when he said he could have his friend come over and suck us both off... but he was the hottest guy I had ever been with so I just told him why would I want to drive all that way for some other guy to pay attention to me... so he apologized and convinced me he wasn't that kind of guy. So the day came when I drove to his place... I remember it was some place by St. Cloud... hmmmm maybe the name of the town started with an M and not his name... or maybe they both started with an M. I supposed if I really tried to remember, I could but I kind of like that there is that mental block.

Anyways, I found his apartment and knocked on the door. What opened the door was the hottest guy that I had ever talked to. To this day I have no idea why he chose me... and I seriously regret that he did. He invited me in and we watched TV for a while. He made drinks and after we talked for a while. Things seemed to be going great but then he invited me into the bedroom for what I thought was only going to be making out. I was a stupid virgin, what could I say. Well before I knew it, our clothes were off and he was putting on a condom. I was really unsure about it, but I have a problem of making people happy so I thought I'd try it. Well he stuck it in me rather fast, even though I told him it was my first time, and I screamed in pain. I'm surprised that I don't have scars from my fingernails digging into my palms as I held my fists tight. He barely started and I said it was too much so I crawled away from him and that's when he grabbed me and kept going... I kept screaming and trying to get away but he was 6'4 and muscular and it hurt so much, I couldn't really do anything. To this day, I can't say the word for what he was doing to me, you know, that word that starts with an R... I can't admit that something as bad as that happened to me when my entire life I've never really did anything that was deserving of this. He finally got off and ran into the bathroom, while I painfully put my clothes back on. He then came back into the room, grabbed me, pushed me to the door and literally threw me out. As I sit on the floor of the hallway staring at his door, I really don't remember ever feeling more confused. For some stupid reason, I knocked on his door trying to get back in. After about 45 minutes of sitting at his door, I got up and walked to my car. I still felt really drunk so I decided to sleep in my car until the alcohol wore off. I called my friends and they said they were too tired to come and get me or even talk to me about what happened. I had never felt more alone in my entire life as I sit in my car, staring through the windshield at the stars above, still wondering what the fuck just happened...

After a while, a group of people pulled up not that far away from me and went into his building. A few minutes later, there he was again so I started my car and drove off, completely drunk and not recognizing anything. I typed directions into my gigantic smart phone and found my way for a while. As I drove I grabbed a container of tic-tacs and put them all into my mouth. The gravity of what had just happened to me hit me and I never felt more dirty in my entire life. It was the only thing that would make me feel at least a little more clean. For the rest of the trip home, I cried.

Well after a few hours of driving, I realized that the street I thought I was on really wasn't the right street. I started to get nervous which only made me drive faster, trying to find some kind of intersection so I could type it into my phone and get directions back to the right road. While on a back road I saw a car coming towards me and slowing down... as I passed it in the pitch black of night, I realized it was a cop. Since I was doing 70 in a 55, she pulled me over faster than I could blink. It was at this time that an actual miracle happened. She didn't make me get out of the car, she didn't smell anything on my breath or see my half open eyes... all she did was write me a ticket and tell me how to get home. So I followed the directions and after a couple of hours, i finally found the door to my apartment. What should have been a 4.5 hour trip took almost 6 hours. I ran into the bathroom, stripped off my clothes and got into the shower. I scrubbed my body for an entire 2 hours to get the feeling of what just happened to me go away. I don't really remember what happened to my clothes, I think I threw them away. For the rest of the school year, I didn't go to class. I started spending money like it was nothing... all of this in a vain attempt to pretend that nothing happened to me and to pretend that I was just fine. After the semester, I was suspended from school... and while I got back in, I can never concentrate enough. My education was basically ruined because of the unfair event that happened to me. To this day, I still don't know why it had to happen to me... I quit trying to figure it out.